Rough weekend

My husband’s best friend is moving from Los Ageless to our city so they called and said they would come on Saturday to check on houses. They came and took my husband for seeing houses while I had taken my son to play class, I had already made lunch and they came back around 2:00 pm. I served the lunch and now I was thinking what to make for dinner!! I though Hamburger would be easy, any way I made hamburger for dinner and at the same time was watching my son playing with their daughter, I always thought she is a well behaved kid, but I saw that she would not really share any thing with my son although it was all his toys and he is younger (she is 4.5 years old) she would start crying as soon as he wanted to play with the same toy. Any way the night passed and they were supposed to go and see more houses on Sunday morning. The friend’s wife asked me if they could leave their daughter with us for couple of hours and I accepted. Oh my god, that was the first time that I was watching some one’s kid who was not a relative (I had just watched my nieces before). She got even worse when the parents were not around; my son could not get any where close her otherwise she would start crying. I had such a hard time so after two hours I called my husband (he was with them again) and asked him to wrap it up faster and come home. Any way they came back 1 hour later. I had watched her for 3.5 hrs, which was tough.

After they left, my husband said ”you had a long face when we came back, they realized that you were not happy watching their kid”. Now I was so mad I said: “Sorry I have not taken any acting class, when I am tired, I am tired. I work full time during week and I only have weekend to take care of stuff at home and rest I cannot serve your family and friends all the time”. Any way I nagged as much as I could since the whole last week we were kind upset with each other. Some times I think may be I nag too much, but he does not understand me too. He always loves to serve other people and invite friends and family all the time. It is tiring for me. I work and I have a little kid, but he thinks I am lazy or not as much friendly as I should be!

Sometimes I feel I am on the edge and ready to end every thing. I love him, he is an honest man but sometimes he does not really get my point. Most of our fights are because of others! I separation is a stupid thought and he is not that bad plus we have kid together that I do not want him to get heart at any price. May be it is my fault more, when I am in a bad mood (he is usually the one that pushes me to the bad mood with stupid little fights over inviting people or taking care of the kid) or tired, I nag a lot and look for excuses to complain then I see all his faults bigger and bigger for instance he is 11 years older than me, when I get angry I think why did I marry an older guy or the other thing that comes to my mind when I am mad at him, is his religion that is different than mine, I think why I did not get married with some one with same religion as mine!! I know it sounds stupid, because I knew about his age and religion from the beginning!

Any way I become very negative. I know I should stop it; I should become more patient and realistic. May be these are all because I was brought up in a non-stable family. As a kid I was always worried about my parents’ marital status and that has leaved a hidden anger in me that every once in a while is triggered and messes me up!
May be I should see a counselor that’s what my mom told me too, I did not want to tell her one of the reason that I am an impatient person is her. Although she is a great mother and has done a lot for me but she had a big roll in creating this hidden anger in me.

I am trying to improve myself because I know my husband is a good man, he has lot of good qualifications. I wish he would try to understand me more. The good point of our relationship is we tell each other every thing is bothering us, it some times make us more mean but at least won’t hide there an explode later!!
I think I have been brave for all my confessions today. At least I feel better now. I don’t know if writing web log can act as a consular!!!