Mixed Feelings

It’s been a while that I am on and off unhappy or may be depressed. I try to fight with the negative feelings and focus on what I have and the good things that I should be thankful for. But sometimes I just let the negativity to stay in my mind and I don’t resist it!
I heard if we make a journal and list everything that we are thankful for in the journal every day that helps us stay positive. I have a quite long list of all the good things that I have in my life but the feeling of being trapped just comes to me every now and then. I feel that I am trapped in my marriage and because that I have two kids that I love them to death I have to get along with this trap! I know in every marriage there are things that bother both sides but sometimes things that bother me bother me too much!
May be I need to talk to a psychologist but I know how I exactly feel and what makes me sad or happy so I am not sure that psychologist can really help me. They are usually good for people that don’t know what exactly bothers them and how they can overcome the issue. The problem with our marriage is that both of us have a short temper and easily get mad. Usually the things that we fight for are not really big deal but our impatience makes things a big deal. I think I should have got married with a calmer person, who could make me calmer too. I think I should have married a guy that could provide the comfort level that we have right now without my help so I could stay with my kids and be a full time Mom. These are actually the biggest things that bother me the most. I like my career and I like to be a professional woman but the guilt feeling of not being able to be with my kids full time is bothering me and is hurtful. This guilt feeling does not go away and every now and then shows itself more.
When I was just 21 years old a very nice guy who was very well educated nice and calm gentleman liked me a lot but he was not quite “my type” and I refused to be his girl friend and we stayed just friends. He was the type of person that everyone would like to be friend with, very social very knowlegeable and may be one of the calmest person that I have ever met. He is a very successful Doctor now and has his own faily. I a have lost touch with him for a long time but we have still some common friends. Any how whenever I am upset with my marriage I remember him and I think maybe I should have given him a chance, may be if I had stayed with him and got married with him(he was looking for long term relationship and was in to marriage) I had a happier life now! I know these thoughts are ridiculous and we could be girl friend, boy friend and would not get married or maybe I would marry him but I would not be happy but I know we all have thoughts like this, we think if I had picked the other guy or other girl how my life would be now! And this is absolutely wrong because going to the past and imagining unreal things just pushes us more away from the present and that is not what I learned from The New earth ( my favorite book) but why although I know the right thing and I know my answers I still think this way sometimes! Is this some type of masochism????
I just wrote the naked truth about my feelings and thoughts today. I know that I will get better soon and become more realistic. I just wanted to write about things and get them out of my chest to feel better. After all my blog is my best psychologist! and my virtual friends are honest and underestanding!