New Project

I have started working on new big project that I mentioned before. Our division has brought a team of consultants from Microsoft to build and set up the new environment and train us to build and develop the project. The scope of this project is very vast. I have never worked on a project as big as this before. I am kind of nervous. For example today we had our first meeting with Microsoft team, they were using some terminologies that did not sound familiar (some of those abbreviations) for me in the beginning, but when I came back to my desk and researched them I realized the things that they were talking about we are actually doing or using them but when they use those terms sometime is hard to understand what they exactly mean by the term at the moment. I think I have to work on my technical vocabulary!! I am a hand on person who does the actual work not really the meeting person who knows all the buzz words. That’s why I was bit of nervous in the meeting; I did not want to look dumb! I know when it gets to the point that we do the actual work I will do better but now that we are gathering and transferring information I am nervous and I don’t want to make mistake. This is a big job and I hope it goes well. Our work reputation will depend on the outcome of this project and that is scary. Another thing is that we are not a big team but the job is big!! So I hope we can deliver what we are expected to in a timely manner. Any way the whole new team, new project is overwhelming for me! I will learn lots of new stuff and it is a good opportunity but I know that it will be hectic too. Is it really better to be low key and do easy stuff and be relaxed or be under spot light and do big things and get credit?! If we get credit!!
Wish me luck!!!!!!

Bad Economy

-Economy is so bad here in US. Lots of people have lost jobs, home and etc.
My brother’s business is very bad and as I wrote here before he is going through his second divorce, he stopped paying his house mortgages due to the bad financial situation and he lost his house to the bank. He used to be well of f and had a very nice life. I cannot believe that this is happening to him. Part of it is his own mistakes and his wrong marriage with that Russian woman and part of it is the bad economy. I offered him to stay with us in our guest studio for a while until his business gets better. It’s more than a month that he lives in our studio which in the back yard and is private. I am glad that I could help him a little bit! I hope everything gets better. Everyone is in panic mode these days even people like us that still have jobs!
I cannot believe that with all this mess, no republican in the congress voted yes to the stimulus package! They are the ones that created this big mess and now they are doing everything to stop Obama from cleaning their mess!!!! Idiots!!!!!!!!

-I wish everyone a very happy Valentines day. I truly hope that we see better days in the whole world

Mixed Feelings

It’s been a while that I am on and off unhappy or may be depressed. I try to fight with the negative feelings and focus on what I have and the good things that I should be thankful for. But sometimes I just let the negativity to stay in my mind and I don’t resist it!
I heard if we make a journal and list everything that we are thankful for in the journal every day that helps us stay positive. I have a quite long list of all the good things that I have in my life but the feeling of being trapped just comes to me every now and then. I feel that I am trapped in my marriage and because that I have two kids that I love them to death I have to get along with this trap! I know in every marriage there are things that bother both sides but sometimes things that bother me bother me too much!
May be I need to talk to a psychologist but I know how I exactly feel and what makes me sad or happy so I am not sure that psychologist can really help me. They are usually good for people that don’t know what exactly bothers them and how they can overcome the issue. The problem with our marriage is that both of us have a short temper and easily get mad. Usually the things that we fight for are not really big deal but our impatience makes things a big deal. I think I should have got married with a calmer person, who could make me calmer too. I think I should have married a guy that could provide the comfort level that we have right now without my help so I could stay with my kids and be a full time Mom. These are actually the biggest things that bother me the most. I like my career and I like to be a professional woman but the guilt feeling of not being able to be with my kids full time is bothering me and is hurtful. This guilt feeling does not go away and every now and then shows itself more.
When I was just 21 years old a very nice guy who was very well educated nice and calm gentleman liked me a lot but he was not quite “my type” and I refused to be his girl friend and we stayed just friends. He was the type of person that everyone would like to be friend with, very social very knowlegeable and may be one of the calmest person that I have ever met. He is a very successful Doctor now and has his own faily. I a have lost touch with him for a long time but we have still some common friends. Any how whenever I am upset with my marriage I remember him and I think maybe I should have given him a chance, may be if I had stayed with him and got married with him(he was looking for long term relationship and was in to marriage) I had a happier life now! I know these thoughts are ridiculous and we could be girl friend, boy friend and would not get married or maybe I would marry him but I would not be happy but I know we all have thoughts like this, we think if I had picked the other guy or other girl how my life would be now! And this is absolutely wrong because going to the past and imagining unreal things just pushes us more away from the present and that is not what I learned from The New earth ( my favorite book) but why although I know the right thing and I know my answers I still think this way sometimes! Is this some type of masochism????
I just wrote the naked truth about my feelings and thoughts today. I know that I will get better soon and become more realistic. I just wanted to write about things and get them out of my chest to feel better. After all my blog is my best psychologist! and my virtual friends are honest and underestanding!